On this day four years ago, I said goodbye to my beautiful mother. She was a happy-go-lucky woman who spoke her mind, she was incredibly generous and laughed every single day. Our world was a great place with her in it. And now she is gone.
Even though four years have passed, I still remember her passing like it was yesterday. She was a brave woman and she fought it well, but in the end that beast, otherwise know as cancer, got her. For four years she lived like she had outsmarted it; she travelled, she discovered new foods and she went out everyday. No one even knew she was sick and that is how she wanted it to be, so she decided to tell no one! (I found out accidentally and she hated that I knew.)
For four years my mother lived life to the fullest. Then one day she didn’t feel like going out. Then she stayed in bed. Then she stopped eating. Then she was in pain, the kind of pain you wouldn’t wish on your greatest enemy. My mother wanted to die at home, but on that last day her pain was so great I felt like I had no choice but to take her to hospital. I still regret that decision. That night she gained her wings and life hasn’t been the same since.
I am writing this post as way of allowing myself to grieve. It only occurred to me today that I have never really allowed myself to cry. At the time of her passing, I had a toddler and a baby. I was frantically looking after my kids, then my mother and when she passed I then had my dad to look after. He was so sad. So very sad and still is. They were true soul mates. I was worried my father would die from a broken heart; so everyday I spent with him, teaching him to cope without her.
As time has passed a new kind of busy has taken over. We moved my dad into a retirement village which required a lot of support but is now a fabulous place for him. My family then moved 900km away. That was a gut wrenching decision. I still remember the sadness in his eyes when we told him. The next year was busy settling my family into a new life.
And here I am, four years later. As I write this I cry real tears, tears that I am allowing to flow freely and it feels good to finally release my sadness. I know tomorrow will be a new day, I will still be sad. I won’t have anyone to ring up and have an honest chat about motherhood; how frustrating and exhausting it can be. No one else can ground me like my mother used to; to wake me up from my selfish thoughts but also praise me when I needed it most.
I hate that she is gone. I have so many regrets, so many words I wish I could have spoken and I have a baby who will never know her grandmother.
So, if you have a mother; ring her up and tell her you love her, just because! Even better, visit her and hug her, just because you can!
And…if you are are a mother, take care of yourself. Visit the doctor and get all your woman checks. They may save your life and let you live to cuddle your grand babies!
And…take photos with your kids! I have no photos of my mother and I, not one photo. That saddens me but then I realise I have just a few photos of my kids and I! (Mostly the newborn in hospital pics!)
And…if you too are a motherless mama, you will be okay. The sun will keep shining and we can take some comfort knowing we have a special angel to watch over our kids.
When was the last time you hugged your mama?